I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
