I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
