Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
