i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
it's like heaven, but drunker
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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