Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize