Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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