I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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