my phone needs a breathalizer
you traded sex for a burrito?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
