I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
