what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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