Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
