Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize