k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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