The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
