You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
