College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
