just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
