Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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