trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
