He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
