I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
