there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
