How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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