My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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