things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Let's get the cat blown out
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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