How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I seem to have left my pride at pride
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
