Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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