Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
