Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
