I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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