i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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