she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
