Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize