So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
