Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
