I hate your face
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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