his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
