stop calling my apartment porn island.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
