Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
