so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
