no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
