there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize