I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
