why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
