You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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