well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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