He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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