Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
