my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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