I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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