if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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