omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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