I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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