apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
