drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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