Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
