Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize