4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize