Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I had to cum in my sink.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
